Let Our Experts Craft a Compelling Virtual You

By Lore Sjöberg

The web has changed the world forever. These days, any prospective employer, lover or awards committee can go online, do a quick search on your name, and find out things about you that 20 years ago would have taken a private detective several hours at the hall of records and a hefty bribe to your mother. And let's face it, sometimes that information is not terribly flattering.

At PeopleTrailBlazers Inc., we understand that you may not have the time to be the sort of person you want to be. That's why we offer our PeopleTrail service. Our team of expert personality management engineers will work to establish an online identity for you, the identity you deserve. Whether you're trying to get a job, a date or just appreciation, we can greatly increase your profile.

JobTrail

Employers look for someone intelligent, dedicated, experienced and reliable. In short, they're completely unreasonable. However, we can give you the edge you need to get the job you want, making blog posts and message board comments in your name. We start with a brief but articulate essay on the virtue of punctuality, and follow up with a defense of corporate hiring and firing policies. Meanwhile, one of our experts will be participating, in your name, in articulate online discussions in the area of your supposed expertise. You might not know a buffer overflow from a buttered scone, but as far as anyone searching the web knows, you're a programming wizard.

LoveTrail

We all know that when it comes to love, it's not who you are but who wants you that counts. If a potential partner thinks you're in heavy demand, that adds at least 20 points on the Burns-Albright Attractiveness Scale. That's why our LoveTrail service focuses on testimonials from old paramours and would-be suitors. The former praise your attentive nature and prodigious bedroom skills while taking all responsibility for the eventual breakup, while the latter express a deep desire to be with you, and acknowledging that they are being rebuffed for perfectly understandable reasons. Meanwhile, we compose a series of essays to be posted to your blog, describing how you may have once left a trail of immensely satisfied lovers behind you but your wandering days are over and you're waiting for true love to come along. No human being of the appropriate gender and sexuality could resist!

EnvyTrail

Sometimes you're not looking for a specific outcome. Instead, you just want to feel secure in the knowledge that anyone searching for you on the web will be consumed by a burning tide of raw envy. With a subtle scattering of résumés, Amazon.com reviews and Craigslist postings, we create the illusion that you are enjoying enormous personal and professional success. Feed the green-eyed monster with provocative posts like, "Certainly that mail-order caviar was acceptable, if not up to the standards of the finest restaurants in Kiev," and, "Does anyone want a free LCD widescreen television? I decided to go with plasma, and it doesn't seem worth the trouble to return it to the store, what with the preparations for my jazz band's pan-Pacific tour."

SerenityTrail

Once you've achieved virtual job satisfaction, virtual love and virtual wealth, what if you still feel an emptiness in your soul? You could go on a quest to find inner peace, but you'd probably miss Heroes. Instead, let us seek inner peace for you! We will post a series of increasingly insightful questions to philosophical and religious discussion groups in your name, then move on to a number of posts on your blog about the futility of seeking wealth and achievement when the true elements of serenity are within. Finally, for a nominal additional fee, your virtual self will achieve true tranquility and leave the web forever, never to post again.

At PeopleTrailBlazers Inc., we help you live our motto: Be the person you want to pay someone to be for you.