Chaste Home, Alabama, Where You Can't Buy a Dildo

By Regina Lynn

Oh, Alabama. What has been done to thee?

The U.S. Supreme Court refused Monday to have anything to do with the infamous Williams v. Alabama case, which has been wending its way through the court system for nine years. In that case, adult retailer Sherri Williams challenged the constitutionality of a state law banning the sale and distribution of any device intended for the purpose of stimulating the human genitals. This week a federal judge is expected to lift the injunction that has prevented the law from being enforced since 1998.

The law was originally intended to shut down certain adult establishments, like strip clubs, so that children wouldn't have to walk past them on the way to malt shops and sock hops. The sex-toy thing got thrown in so minors wouldn't be exposed to adult retail shops either, and that's the part that got national attention. No one outside the local community cares if a strip club gets shut down; start telling women they can't buy vibrators, and the angry murmurs begin.

The law has to specify human genitals, by the way, in order not to infringe on the semen extraction business among breeders of livestock and performance animals. Otherwise, those stallions and bulls will be pretty damn upset when cold and unfriendly plastic tubes replace their warm, soft collection devices. Considering that a pissed-off stallion can take a grizzly bear, I can see why lawmakers didn't put horsemen in that kind of position.

It's easy to scoff. We can roll our eyes at those weird Southern states and joke that you can marry your teenage sister but not buy a Fleshlight to tide you over until she gets older. But in all the laughter, we risk missing the implications, such as: 1) Women are too fragile to be trusted in retail stores that sell products designed to promote sexual response and pleasure. 2) Parents are not to be trusted to keep their underage kids out of such stores. 3) Business owners cannot be relied upon to follow the rules about covering up windows to prevent passersby from seeing anything that might offend them.

If that's not the message of this law, what is?

The law does not prohibit sales of erection drugs or condoms. A man can buy Viagra and have safer sex, but a woman can't buy a dildo. If she wants penetration, she has to go find a man, which severely limits her options if she doesn't have one handy; if she's lesbian; or if she's playing in virtual worlds, chatting on a webcam or watching online porn as part of an enjoyable solo experience.

I suppose she could head to Home Depot and buy brooms, axes or hammers with handles that are about the right size and shape. Or she could pick up an extra cucumber at the market.

But if she wants a purple one that vibrates and has a cute little otter face, or one that pulses in time to her music playlist or one that her military husband can control from overseas, she's out of luck if she wants to shop locally.

The sad thing is that this ridiculous law has spawned such a waste of time and money.

Nine years ago, when Alabama retailer Sherri Williams started the fight against the then-new law, the ban would have had a significant impact on consumers. Online adult retailing was in its infancy, barring a few pioneers like Joel Tucker who started his kink catalog JT's Stockroom by e-mail in the late 1980s. Shoppers back then were skeptical about giving out credit-card numbers, much less giving their real names to sex-related stores.

Web designers had barely outgrown the blink tag, for chrissakes, despite Webmonkey's best efforts.

Now the competition online is so hot, adult retailers are going back to brick-and-mortar and setting themselves as community hubs, event venues and education centers in order to stay competitive and turn a profit.

Just about any adult in the country can order marital aids online at a pretty good price, even if they live in Alabama. The law only forbids the sale, distribution or marketing of intimate devices within the state, not their possession or use. It also doesn't prevent citizens from bringing personal souvenirs in from across state lines.

That means Alabamans still have plenty of resources available to them for sex education and pleasure -- like any New Yorker or Californian, they can visit good online retailers for a wealth of helpful articles and contact highly educated staff experts by e-mail or phone.

But it's a shame that under the guise of Protecting The Children, Alabama residents can't stop by a nice, clean, intimate store after church and try out the merchandize on their hands, check it for intensity and noise, texture and emotional appeal. That they can't talk in person with an educated staff member about what would work best with their particular preferences and sensitivities. That the government has claimed some ownership over women's sexual pleasure, their clitorises and their children.

But I hold out hope that the law won't shut down all the retail stores or home parties, even though it changes what's in stock. It sounds to me like you can still sell goodies like Blackberries, floggers, prostate massagers, iPods, handcuffs, laptops capable of running virtual environments, Liberator furniture and life-size posters of Viggo Mortensen. None of these are designed specifically to stimulate the human genitals yet they all have the potential to do so, by way of the brain.

Laws like this cannot stand much longer. It's a sign that America's war on sex is not over, but it's a weak and ineffective sally.

It will not withstand the tide of female sexual empowerment happening online. (And male empowerment too, as we bring you right along with us. You're welcome.) Women are communicating and bonding online, demanding and developing new sex-tech designs that work with female sexual response. We're also normalizing the whole concept of bringing technology into sex play.

In 10 or 20 years, this law will seem as odd as the one about not playing dominoes on Sundays.

Williams says she will challenge the law again, this time as a First Amendment issue rather than a right-to-privacy issue. In the meantime, I'll bet you a Bluetooth-enabled vibrating bullet that Alabama's local drugstores will start to stock more back massagers.