Ugly? Stupid? A Jerk? Relax, Your Worries Are Over

You've heard of carbon offsets, right? The idea here is that you can keep your air conditioner running constantly from April through September, and your heater the rest of the year, and run a load of laundry just to wash a bow tie and a pair of Speedos, and you and your spouse can drive two separate SUVs two blocks to purchase a coal-powered water heater, and it's all ecologically copacetic because you gave some money to some company that's trying to save the world from people like you. Just a few thousand dollars can convert you from an atmosphere-despoiling narcissist to a fern-fondling flower child without you having to change your lifestyle in the least.

Clearly, there are no issues or problems with this system whatsoever, which is why I'm launching a number of corporations designed to help you improve every aspect of your life through the power of giving people money. With enough income, you can be the person you always wanted to be!

Ugly Offsets: Say, for the sake of argument, that you're a grotesque clod with the sexual appeal of a dump truck's undercarriage. I'm not saying you are, but I'm not saying you're not, either. Sure, you could get a better haircut or undergo painful, unconvincing plastic surgery, but why not just buy ugly offsets?

Send us some cash and we'll spend it on beauty college scholarships and research into moisturizing creams -- after taking our cut, of course -- thereby making you, economically speaking, so damn sexy. Just explain to the hotties at the bar that you've completely offset your ugliness and they'll throw you into the sack with such speed and vigor that you won't get your breath back until you've had three orgasms.

Stupid Offsets: Look, you already know that getting smarter costs money. It's criminal that you pay thousands of dollars to attend a university and then you have to do the work anyway. Books, training videos, ancient and wise Zen masters, any way you hack it, smarts are a real hassle.

When you get down to it, the simplest way to get smarter is to send us money, which we'll spend on scholarships and trivia quizzes. We'll send you a card with your offset IQ -- at current rates only $5,000 will bring you up to Hawking level -- and a free membership in Mensa.

Jerk Offsets: You know what's stressful? Being nice. Studies show that every time you choose not to yell at a waitress for bringing you water with ice when you asked for water without ice, it takes six months off your lifespan. If only there was some way to berate and abuse everyone around you and still be considered a nice guy ... well, you see where we're going with this.

Fork over the bills and we'll go out and perform random acts of market-driven kindness. Then the next time a pedestrian tries to cross the street right in front of your Beemer, you can yell at them, make up new sex acts for them to try out on pets and family members, throw your half-empty Starbucks cup right at their head, and then explain that you've fully offset your antisocial acts and, in the big picture, you've basically just bought them an ice cream cone and knitted them a hat.

They'll thank you, unless they've bought jerk offsets as well, in which case they don't need to thank you.

So there you go. Once I've set up these corporations, you'll be able to transmogrify yourself from an ugly, ignorant vulgarian into a stunningly attractive, worldly peach of a person. Some might say that this is all just my cynical attempt to make money off of other people's lethargy, but that's just fine. I've purchased cynicism offsets.